Why avoidance hides so well
Avoiding something feels like relief, and relief feels like a good decision. That is the trap. Psychologists use the term experiential avoidance for steering away from uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and memories, and describe it as kept going by that short-term relief.
Studies of thought suppression suggest that pushing a thought away can make it come back stronger. We would not build a theory on that, but it matches what most people notice at 2 a.m.
Carl Jung called the shadow a blind spot, the part of us that does not match the person we want to be. A blind spot is hard to find by looking straight at it, so it helps to look at behavior instead.
Signs in what you do
The clearest signs are not feelings. They are habits, and other people often see them before you do.
- You are busy in a way that always has a good reason, and the one task that matters stays on the list.
- You check your phone, clean the kitchen or start a second project the moment the subject gets close.
- You say you will deal with it after the holidays, after the move, after things calm down.
- You agree to everything else so there is no room left for the one thing.
- You keep researching and never decide.
Signs in what you say
Talk gives it away too. Listen to yourself the way you would listen to a friend.
Overexplaining is a big one. If you need four reasons why something does not bother you, it probably bothers you.
Going quiet is the other. There is a person, a place or a subject you never bring up, and you have a smooth way of changing the topic.
- "It's fine" said quickly, and again later.
- A joke every time the topic comes near.
- A long defense of a decision nobody questioned.
- Telling the story with one part left out.
Signs in what you notice in other people
Jung noted that we often see in others the qualities we deny in ourselves. So a strong reaction to someone else is a clue.
If one person's behavior irritates you far more than it irritates anyone else, ask what it touches. It will not always be about you, but it is worth the question.
We do not say this to blame you. It is a way to find a starting point.
Three prompts to test it
Pick one, set a timer for five minutes, and answer without editing. Talking it out loud works as well as writing. If you would rather speak, a voice journal such as Shadow Work: Voice Journal lets you record the answer and listen back later.
- What is the one thing I have been about to do for weeks, and what do I do instead?
- Which subject do I change the way I talk about, or stop talking about, when it comes up?
- If I could not be busy tonight, what would I have to think about?
What to do with what you find
You do not have to fix anything tonight. Naming it is the step.
Then watch whether it repeats. One avoided topic is a bad week. The same one across a month is a pattern, and that is where this gets useful.
None of this diagnoses anything. If avoidance is getting in the way of your life, a licensed professional is the right person to talk to.
Common questions
Is avoiding something always bad?
No. Sometimes you are tired, or the timing is wrong. It becomes worth a look when it repeats or when the thing keeps coming back anyway.
How do I know it is avoidance and not a real lack of time?
Ask whether you would find the time if the task were pleasant. If you would, the time is not the problem.
What if the prompts bring up something heavy?
Stop, take a break, and come back only if you want to. This is a self-reflection habit, not treatment. If you are struggling, talk to a licensed professional, and in an emergency call your local emergency line.
Is this the same as shadow work?
It is a good doorway into it. Shadow work is the habit of looking at what you avoid, and noticing the signs is the first part.
Sources
Keep reading
Not therapy. Shadow Work does not diagnose anything. If you are in crisis, contact a local emergency line.